Monday, January 24, 2011

It's cheaper than coating your baby in whale blubber

In only seven months of parenting, already I have developed a can't-miss self-assessment for any occasion: (1) Is it safe? and (2) Is it potentially hilarious?

So far this has resulted in a series of entertaining events, from capturing Lindsay Lohan's return to rehab in the baby book ("What Happened the Day I Was Born? The Inevitable") to the Star Wars Build-a-Bear...ahem...incident.

Mercifully, my already-keen maternal instincts nixed the idea of dressing her as Jeffy, letting her wander the neighborhood, and painting little dashes in her wake.

HINT: The same person who doesn't think this is funny.


But my handy-dandy questionnaire came up short in the face of a weekend jaunt to the mall in sub-zero weather. I realized that it's missing one critical question: does doing this make me a douche? Y'see, I've been itching to buy the wee one a for-real-and-for-true cozy coat since she is over the bunting thing. I found the perfect, fuzzy, impenetrable solution. Cut to my kid wearing a North Face jacket.

It's too expensive [for someone who only recently attained neck control]. She doesn't run around with Richard Branson. She has no polar expeditions on the books. Plus, I told her, "No X Games until you stop being surprised by the sight of your own feet," so she doesn't need it. And while it's possible to rock a North Face without being incredibly annoying (I love mine...draw your own conclusions), it does happen. So I've done something entirely frivolous and possibly sealed her fate, all because a baby in a North Face jacket makes me giggle.

At least I have time to wash her brain with countless other mistakes. In the future, I'll try to spoil my daughter with poor judgment, not expensive jackets.

Infant Denali Jacket, $65 @ North Face

Monday, April 12, 2010

Awwwwwwwwwkward

"I'm sorry but that's very rude and irritating."

I could pretend my extended vacay from blogging was spurred by a hectic work-life. I could blame the ease of microblogging on Twitter or Facebook. I could probably blame restless leg syndrome if I so desired (because who among you has the time or interest to debunk it?). But, frankly, there's no exciting reason...I just stopped. And all it took to bring me back was a woman sitting with me at a conference leaning over to whisper-whip me, asking that I please stop tweeting--actually she said "texting"--because it was "rude and irritating."

So at 32-years-old, well-educated and 7+ months pregnant (with how many professional conferences under my belt?), I sheepishly banished my Blackberry to the center of the table...and all the extra blood straight to my face. Chastened and embarrassed, ready to counter with oh-so-relevant counter claims about my excellent track record with thank you notes and my otherworldly skill to apologizing to people who bump into ME in public. Never once did it occur to me to respond, "There is a dedicated back-channel for this conference and I'm simply sharing what we're learning from this session." It did, however, occur to me to run from the room and find the other kids at the nearest McDonald's Playplace.

After the session ended, I apologized again to my [in her defense] supremely polite, reasonable, warm chastiser and banished the thought of appealing to Mayor McCheese for McAmnesty. And then I got to thinking: at a conference for philanthropy professionals, where new ideas are currency, why are we having such a hard time integrating social media?

Tweeting at conferences is something I've started and ditched many times, usually because of sideways glances I get when I balance my PDA too close to the butter plate at the lunchtime plenary. Never afraid to chat up a stranger, I will occasionally ask others at my table if they mind if I tweet (the modern answer to the très 70's "mind if I smoke?" icebreaker). But most of the time I read the room and if the nearest PDA or laptop is more than 2 leagues away--difficult to gauge since my knowledge of leagues is limited to Disney movies with octopi--I scrap my plans.

In my braver moments, I consider but abandon the idea of clandestine tweeting:

"Why is that potted plant moving toward the podium? And what is that tapping sound?"
"Can you believe that guy in the sombrero and bushy mustache? Texting during the plenary session? And how did HE get pregnant?"

I'm always disappointed when I miss the opportunity to tweet valuable insights from a conference: 1) I find it to be a killer note-taking medium and 2) with the economy eating away at travel budgets, I enjoy using Twitter to make sure that the wisdom of an experienced crowd doesn't go unnoticed by all the talented folks whose organizations can't afford to send them to sit where I sit. And most of all it's a way to challenge myself to synthesize the insights of the Flipchart Maven at the front of any given session, as opposed to simply listen. For me, in a fast-paced environment, it can be even more beneficial to have to capture a lesson in 140 characters or less.

I try to remind myself that not everyone processes as I process: some need a legal pad, others can just sit and listen, some have to ask questions. Part of me often wonders who I think I am, assuming that my tap-dancing all over a Blackberry for 45 minutes trumps an effective learning environment for others.

Another part of me, though, would like to contact every conference planning chair in a 200-mile radius and ask them to call attention to the tweeting elephant in the room at the beginning of the conference. Then, at least, conference-goers who are less 2.0-inclined could be aware of what all the tapping's about. Or, at smaller meetings, attendees could agree whether or not PDAs and laptops are welcome during certain sessions. I also have fantasies of "Tweet Decks" where people who want to use laptops or PDAs to take notes or microblog during conference sessions can sit together so they won't disturb their colleagues. If someone would just throw us a fruit roll-up now and then, that would suffice (ROFEMFRU - Rolling on the Floor Enjoying My Fruit Roll-Up).

Regardless: I hope that, someday, you'll find me tweeting with abandon at conferences (ideally, without bothering the nice people around me). Until then, I'll likely stick to leaky hotel pens...and I'll take a Fruit Roll-Up if you have one handy.

Thursday, July 10, 2008

OMG! Martin Van Buren makes me LOL!

The entire drive back from my vacation, I was sweating this blog. Knowing that I had only recently resumed the great "grow a pair and write every day" experiment meant I had better have plenty of topics on the line upon my return. So I took to texting myself ideas and quotes. What this didn't yield was any idea on which I could write more than one sentence. What it did yield was a moment of great pleasure when really weird phrases popped up on the screen of my Treo. Not to mention the even greater pleasure when I forgot I'd texted myself and stumbled across those messages later.

Anyway, since I think you're supposed to wait a week after returning from vacation and an hour after eating before blogging, I thought I'd better ease back in by, simply, sharing my most recent self-texts. I thought I'd build in some reader participation, too: see if you can identify which phrases were uttered by my husband and which were uttered by 80's glam rock outfit Faster Pussycat.

"So, Martin Van Buren...well HE had a very troubled presidency."

"There's no one home in my house of pain..."

"This Miller Chill reminds me of the story of Akbar the Great."

Saturday, June 28, 2008

Beach Bound (& this time without human remains in tow)

Mollyblogger is less than 24 hours away from a lovely, lazy beach getaway with the fam. Last year's trip will be hard to beat (see "Blowin' up Mom" for all the details) but I'm still champing (I always thought it should be "chomping") at the bit to get going.

I plan to use the time to exfoliate my feet, let my siblings humiliate me on the Wii, read the new David Sedaris, worry the Democrats will somehow blow it in November (please no), and reflect on everything that was right about the recent Hulk movie (Bill Bixby shout-outs! Sad-walking-away-music from the TV show! William Hurt is never subtle!).

On my way home last night I saw on a carwarsh marquee that it's "National Detailing Month," hence all the sharing.

Happy 4th, all!

Thursday, June 26, 2008

"So, this is Planet Houston."

For the two geeks--and I mean that in the nicest way possible--currently snickering at the blog title, I salute you. I think, though, that the three of us need to get some perspective.

Anyway: tonight the OBC (ol' ball and chain) and I went to see Get Smart. Not bad at all. Love Steve Carell, smell what The Rock is cooking, Anne Hathaway wore some fabulous clothes, quality cameos, etc. But what (or, I suppose, who) made the movie? Terence Stamp. Terence freaking Stamp plays the villain in Get Smart.

If you're unfamiliar with British actor Terence Stamp...well, first, I weep for you but next I direct you to think back to (or Netflix) Superman II and, the greatest villain to ever get trapped in a galactic hand mirror: General Zod. In Superman II, General Zod, his friendly giant and some ESP-happy chick who looked a little bit like Pat Benatar are Kryptonian criminals who Superman accidentally frees to run amok on Earth. Seriously. They toss people around, choke yokels, and chew scenery. Great stuff. And Terence Stamp (bless his clasically-trained, Oscar-nominated little heart) went the way of Alec Guinness in Star Wars and Donald Pleasence in Halloween. "I'm sure I can wear black rubbery tights and say 'Kneel before Zod' without Comic-Con bound devotees remembering me, only, for this little dalliance."

Not so fast, Terence.

Seriously, how do I explain my love for Terence Stamp and his hilarious awesomeness in Superman II? How do you quantify the geeked-out glee of Googling a man and getting results that begin with super-cool caveats like "With all due respect to Ian McKellan's Magneto?"

There are no words, only YouTube:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UKDFop0aqYQ

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

The Fifth Dimension of Hell

So, my husband was paging through this trivia quiz book (the sort of gift people tend to give us a lot) and stumbled across a song title with which he was unfamiliar. So he decided to ferret out a clip of the song online.

THIS is why it pays to know your music trivia, people...so what happened to my beloved won't happen to you.

He clicked on the file and was treated to a synthesizer version of the Fifth Dimension's "Up, Up and Away." Why he didn't know better--didn't know this God-awful song--I'm not sure. But by the time I heard the first two notes from the adjoining room, I couldn't save him. I could name that tune in two notes, Bob, and that tune is "It's too late! Save yourselves!"

(If you're not familiar with the song, please take a moment check it out on YouTube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IXZDkkeSVBs or else you will be unable to grasp the horror of what happened next.)

So, he listened to the impossibly bad Muzak version of the impossibly bad song for 20 seconds, decided he had no clue what it was and clicked out. Or tried. He couldn't close the file. He couldn't pause the file He couldn't turn down the file. He couldn't CTRL + ALT + DELETE. He couldn't do anything but sit there and take it.

Listening to this festival of sound, I was reminded of watching this really disturbing sixth grade graduation video featuring two of my friends (who are still dear friends, one of whom is probably reading this and having a mega-flashback). As memory serves, the video was a loop of disembodied sixth grade heads floating up-screen, each head superimposed on a red balloon, while "Up, Up and Away" played again and again.

I was shaken from my flashback to realize that the song was STILL playing and that my husband was STILL calling for help. Eventually I proposed that he just power-off, damn the consequences. But I enjoyed the view--and the song--for awhile before I did it. The Fifth Dimension would have wanted it that way.

Monday, June 23, 2008

The five words you shouldn't be allowed to say on television

"Comedian George Carlin has died."

Seriously, universe...did I tick you off? Russert and Carlin in just over one week? I feel like I should call Bob Newhart and warn him.

R.I.P., George.