Mrs. Huxtable's Revenge

Okay, so a close friend of mine was, in the recent past, slightly mistreated by her pseudo-boyfriend. Let's be frank: she was totally d@#%ed over. For months we've all been racking our brain for the perfect gesture of not-so-goodwill from her (we'll call her "Claire") to him (we'll call him "Cliff").

After dismissing a number of oldies-but-goodies--toilet paper, plastic forks prong-down in his front yard, giving his business card to some door-to-door Mormons--we settled on the high road: living well, moving on, blah, blah, blah. But, for all its virtue, that approach lacked sparkle. Maturity, I've learned, often leaves you cold. Then today the perfect gesture of bubbly spite came to me in a flash.

Claire, I have a plan.

As with all of the world's weightiest questions, the answer came from my iPod ("Hello, iPod! Am I a geek?" "Why, yes, Molly: you've listened to "Girl" by Davy Jones six times this month.") and an episode of Kate & Allie. We have to sing our revenge. In public. Preferably at a soda shop or talent show.

You see, take any sitcom in which a teen girl get seriously shafted and *POW* sing-along time. The girl always feels better. The cad--to whom she is inevitably singing as he may be the emcee of the talent show, former band-mate, or manager of the malt shop--always looks ashamed. The band whose song gets covered slinks into oblivion. The formula never fails. Skeptical?

Exhibit A: Kids, Incorporated - Martika gets misled and bellows "Gloria" to the culprit. Laura Brannigan dies of shame a decade later [after catching a rerun].

Exhibit B: Kate & Allie - Less interesting blond daughter gets passed over by a Levi-clad Lothario and croaks out "Goodbye to You." Warrior's musical career is declared over.

Exhibit C: Family Ties - Jennifer Keaton's boyfriend tires of her moody poems and baggy sweaters and gives her her walking papers. I'm pretty sure she sang him into oblivion, but I was too busy looking at her giant hair. Regardless, read the papers: little Andy Keaton eventually went bad...very bad.

Exhibit D: Fat Albert - A neighborhood girl gets Lyme Disease and the gang bangs out a song on an old refrigerator. Kenmore sales plummet.

Okay, Claire, now that you're a believer, we can arrange a public serenade of Cliff--singing a song by his all-time favorite band, no less--and kill two birds with one stone. DEAD BIRD #1: our heart-wrenching rendition of "Maneater" will fill him with shame and regret. He may even have to move to another city. DEAD BIRD #2: Hall & Oates' reign of feel-good terror is over.

Or you could just carry on with that great new guy you met. But that wouldn't be nearly as cool.