Crazy Train

Last night I attended a community meeting about mass transit plans for the city. The part of me that's slavishly devoted to the wee blue donkey--not to mention the part of me that was scared witless courtesy of Al Gore--is pleased. The part of me that sleeps 30 feet from the historic train tracks where they want to put said mass transit wants to get the Hell out of Dodge. Convenient, since I can train-hop from my deck.

I was mostly there to listen. I was also there to be made wildly uncomfortable by all the tension in the room (not to mention the sartorial decisions made by several audience members...did that woman in the corner check herself in the mirror before going out and say, "I am victorious! I finally look like Eunice from Mama's Family!"). So, imagine my delight when I discovered that there was bonus fun to be had. I got to sit in front of Bartles and James, minus the charm.

When the planning commission started to speak, Bartles actually said, "Boo." He did not in fact boo, he did not even say "Boooooooooooooooo!" He just said "boo." Then, rather, that listen to anyone--even those on his side--he and James chattered on about the problems facing the country today. What I heard alarmed me. Ladies and gents, according to Persnickety Pete, this country is facing a threat we scarcely appreciate.

"You know who I blame? The Spanish."

Ay de mi.

I took a break from imagining how I'm going to set up my very own one-woman hobo town when they lay the tracks through my begonias to imagine the Spanish advancing on Indianapolis in pointy, shiny conquistador helmets. Cool.

Bartles and James were apparently thinking the same thing because they were painfully quiet for a long time. Until someone in the audience asked the planning commission-types, "Which would you rather have running through your backyard? A diesel train or a light rail?" When the suit answered with a chuckle that he'd prefer the one that works, Bartles could scarcely contain himself:

"Communist bastard."

I'd reflect on this further but the Spanish are coming, so I'd better not.